Almost Lover

Goodbye my almost lover.
Goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.

2008.
You've not been kind. Oh no. You gave me super high's and lower lows. You pushed me to the edge and back again. You've made me laugh bitterly and cried happily.

What were you trying to do? Push me to my limits and see if i break? Or teaching me lessons that I missed along the way? Either way, thank you! For I am much wiser than I was before.

This year really has been super rough. Not my best year but I made it thru. Something to be proud of =)

In another few hours, I will be out the door.
Having a last family + 1 friend dinner. Oh how I wish!

In another few hours, I will be saying goodbye to you, my almost lover.
With wine in hand.

In another few hours, you will be history and I am starting life all over again.
Much wiser thanks to you my almost lover!

So here's to you, 2008.
You came with a big bang and you're gonna leave with one too!
Here's to all the tears and laughter you brought me.
Here's to all the lessons that you forced unto me.
Here's to pushing me to my limits and back.
Here's to everything that you've done and more.

In another few hours. You are going to be history.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

On to bigger and better stuff!

Much love;
A

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Its time like this when I really do wonder if You are really there.

Nice one, God. Nice one.

You're so funny, its not funny anymore.

Thanks but no thanks.

Isn't it time You gave them a break?

I believe that things happen for a reason.
But what the fuck. I don't see any reason in this.

Great one God.

Now, isn't it time you gave us a break already?
It's really unfair.

So much for being 'fair', God.

This is a big F.U.
Just when I thought that..
I guess I thought too much huh?

But you know what?
I'm not giving up. No, not yet.
I'll show you.

Just you wait God.
Just you wait.

Happy Tears?

I think that I finally know what it feels to like someone so much that it actually hurts.

Its funny? I dont know. Its throbbing; my heart. And suffocating me at the same time. I dont know how to explain.

Are these happy tears?
Or sad ones?

I'm in love with someone who isn't there.
Love?

Love.

I still dont get why its so hard.
I just want to be happy (:

There is really so much I wanna do.
Why?
Because I want to.
What and how?
I dont know.

I never thought that you exist.
I've done enough damage last time.
Please let me redeem myself this time 'round.

I love you.

Procrastination!

After procrastinating for the past 4 years or so, I finally am legal to drive! Damn nervous! But I passed (: All in under 10 mins.

YAY.

I'm another step up to making it in the rat race!

Dear Diary

I dont know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I dont know what I should do.

I am confused. I have the control but everything is so out of control.

I got into a fight with the 'sister' today. She shall be called B now. I dont know why does she have to be so rude. So ignorant, so demanding, so up herself, so obsessive, a drama queen. I dont know why she does not see what she has been doing wrong and try and change. I dont know why she is so.. immature. She acts like a 16 year old. I dont know why or how. I'm tired of her. I am tired of her stressing my parents out. She is like.. 23 now? Why is she not thinking? Why is she not changing? Why is she not growing up? Simple things like being polite and nice just some how slips her. I just do not understand why she has to think that every demand of her must be met. And she accuses me for thinking that the world revolves around me. Talking and dealing with her is like dealing with a damn obnoxious 16 year old kid who doesnt know right or wrong and force or being forceful is not the only way to get things done/her way. I am really tired of dealing with her but I cannot just ignore her and let her be. I am just over her.

I'm confused as to where all these rumors are coming from. Boyfriend seducer/stealer, common slut, bitch. All these names. I dont know what I did or not do to deserve having avid rumors being spread around. I usually dont let this bother me at all but tonight it just does. I dont know what I did really. Do I really look that easy? Do I really look like the kind who will play with things that is already others? Thing is, there are no basis of these rumors. Not one bit. It just pop's up like mushrooms after a rain. I dont get it. Where or what was the rain that caused the mushrooms to pop up? I'm so glad I decided to take this term out. I am so glad I am not graduating with them. I'm over this batch of people.

I'm so scared. I am so lost, confused when it comes to M. I dont know how or what I can do to improve the situation. I want so much to be ok again. I really do not know what to do. It just effing sucks to really really like a person and for that person to not give a damn at all.

Everyday, I wake up put on my mask and get busy for the day. I push everything aside and focus on 'living' semi auto-pilot. But all I want is a pair of arms i can fall into and just pour everything out.

Its nights like this when I wonder; How long till I get to find that one person who will be with me at times like this. How long till I get to feel that person around me and know that I am finally not alone. How long till I get to really live life.

Why am I alone on nights like this?

Where are you?

I'm tired.

Emotionally.

Blamed, told off, scolded for things that really is not that big a deal. I'm tired of dealing with it all.
I'm tired of feeling like a effing loser/worthless. YES. I feel worthless. Like I cant do anything right anymore. Everything I do is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Its come to a point where I really refuse to give a damn anymore. I cant be bothered to explain myself anymore cause really what is the point when a few more months down the road its wash, rinse and repeat?

If home is a place I dont look forward to coming back to then I dont know where I can look forward to going. After a nice day, I honestly do not look forward to coming home because I know that all these nice feelings will go away. It always does. Home is where the heart is? I beg to differ.

You may hit me, sting me with words, make me bleed but it doesnt matter anymore. I'm numb inside. The flesh can only hurt so much. I want a place where I can be myself, roam around freely and just chill. But I cant do it here. I can do it no where. Home.. is just a house.

I tried trying to be myself. I tired trying to be nice, happy, at peace. Oh how I tried. But I got tired of forcing myself. I got tired of crying myself to sleep because its exhausting. I got tired.

Physically, yes you've been there. But emotionally, no. I've always been the girl/kid. I was never significant enough for you to pay any attention to. I'm taken for granted. 'Oh, she's the good one. Nothing much to worry about.' I hate that comment. Because of it, I cannot make mistakes. I cannot stuff up. I have to always be perfect. Good, trouble free, effing perfect. AND I AM NOT. Do you know how it feels to know that you are so close to breaking everyone's image of you? For everyone to say 'Oh I'm so disappointed.' Do you know how it feels to always have to be who you are not? Just because I hate disappointment as much as failure. I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that keeps telling me to do this, do that, be this, be that. And I am tired of doing stuff. I want to be myself. At a place I supposedly call home.

This is the reason why I drive the blade in deeper. Why its double digits now. Why one day I'll just disappear. I'll take what's mine and leave.

To be honest, I dont think you'll be able to take me for me. I never was the good kid everyone thought I was. And I dont think I ever will be. They say that a parent's love for their kid is unconditional; i seriously doubt that. I've never felt loved.

I dont know what I am sorry for but I'm sorry.

I'm tired.
Someone please take me home.

The Unexpected Night Out!

I realized; while stretching a few mins ago; that my back is sore and I have a nice-er tummy definition *pats on the back*

How did I do it?
It did not take much really. Just $5 and about 3-4 hours of mad dancing (:
I'm not too old after all!
After all these months of not dancing I thought I'd lost my mojo and cannot layan sendiri anymore (: Success!

Its was so much fun. Of course I layaned diri for most of the time but I enjoyed just sitting at the side watching people grinding/doing silly but entertaining moves/watching fancy footwork/looking out into the night and just zone out too.

One thing I like about the night was the energy. The people absolutely layaned the dj who did some pretty nice mixes of many songs into one. The slut in me likes making saucy eye contact across the room. Haha.

The scene has changed from the first time thou. Girls these days are really.. out there. Or is it just me? I see random girls going to random guys and immediately starts grinding/dirty dancing. And I even caught a glimpse of a girl really giving it to a guy. And these people throws a fit when bring called easy pft.

I dont dance with random strangers because I dont like being felt up by people I do not know esp when I do not have a good vibe from you (which sadly is about 90% of the room =.=) Girls and guys alike. I like my exclusivity. That said, one wonders where the idea of me being easy comes from eh. Hmm!

The highlight of the night has got to be when I saw the guy I danced with at Skykiwi party as I was leaving. I remember him ever so clearly. And there he was sitting there looking tipsy. First thought was he just got dumped. And I think that I am right. ANYWAY. The so called friend made me go get his number. WTF. And made me text him. But he did not reply. Which is a good thing I guess.

I remember that party very clearly because it was a night of surprises so to speak? I manage lose myself amidst the loud music and crowd; literally. And I let this guy I dont know feel me up. He saved me from a potential rapist thou so its all good. I remember that scene perfectly well. And I remember feeling ever so safe for the first time on the dance floor. Because he is huge. I felt small (for the first time ever) with him (: It was a memorable night for me and my companions. For totally different reasons!

I remember how the so called friend made him stop and made him give me his number (He was egged on by his friends too. Pft friends!) =.= I could almost bury myself beneath the concrete. I did not look at him once! Yes I do get shy too ok I'm not made out of steel =.=

ANYWAY. Yes, I had a real nice night dancing and having some appreciated (and much needed) me time. On the dance floor. With the loud music. Quite a few regular patrons who sees me there often enough knows that I dont like being approached at all so they leave me alone, which is good, but I dont get how all these other guys who sees me layaning diri in the corner wants to know my name. There is a reason why I am in the corner and there is a reason why I have a boundary around me. I think it is really obvious but these people cant read signs. Some came so close to me that I still shudder at the thought. Urgh. Couples who cant make out properly should go get a room and move out of the way.

As much as I layan diri on the dance floor (as well as none of my friends can keep up with me =.=) I still wont go alone. I appreciate the fact that they are there and will pull me out of the way, snap me out of it when I am too 'high'. So thanks!

Indeed, it was a nice night. I have yet to find myself a nice dancing buddy so I can spare my poor friends from being dragged out by me!

Talks

Today, I found out something that I should not know.

Something that is troubling me quite a bit.
I needed to talk.
I went thru all the different people in my head and could not find the right person.
No one I can talk to about this issue at hand.

I wanted to cry but instead I laughed.
Because the best candidate that I could think of;
The right person I can talk to about this;
Is the only person I should not even think about needless to say contact.

I really do not know what else I can do.
Regarding this issue, person.

Where's the damn off button when I need it?

[Edit 5.28 pm]

I need to learn to be less inquisitive and manage some less clicking.
I really do not know how long this will last.
The crack is getting bigger.

This is for all the times you were the cause of tears and pain.
This is for all the times you were not there when I needed you.
This is for all the times you made me cry.
This is for the hugs, kisses and cuddles that meant nothing to you.

Mahal Kita

I remember exactly when, where and how he said it to me.
I don't remember what we were wearing but I remember the look in his eyes very very clearly.

These tears are not because of the pain I feel inside.
Its because of what was lost.
And because of the courage that I may never be able to find.

Please don't hate me because I am weak.

I keep telling myself; 'Mind over matter dear. Mind over matter.'
There is so much my mind can do.
There is so much I would love to achieve.

Please don't hate me because I've failed.

New clothes, new make up, new phone, new books.
New routine to life, new plans, new.. me?
I've been so busy trying to change so much around me thinking that this part will change as well.
But late at night, when I'm all alone, when I am tired out from the day,
There is only one wish.
The one I mutter silently when its 11:11 pm, to the brightest star in the sky, to God at times.

I keep telling myself, once, just once; you'll feel so much better.
He chucked them away when he found them.
I keep telling the other side of me no; I must not. Its the only thing I can do now.
But I'm scared that I cant hold off much longer.
Its very tempting but I am going to try to hold off for as long as possible.
That's a promise.
One that you wont know about.

'It takes grown ups to make relationships work.'
One more chance '07

I've changed.
Have you?

Hello?

My last entry was on the 15th of May? Fwah. It has been a long time.
Here's to updating the future me on my life now.

1. I spent 480 on a phone I don't want to use. I have been putting off getting my sim card and such because well, I kinda like not having a phone and being un-contactable. It feels like I am disconnected from everyone. Its fun. But I know its only a matter of time before I am attached to this phone. Gah.

2. Have been rotting at home for 2 weeks now. Not being out in the world is my expertise. It feels too good to leave home. That and my crush on that certain coffeeguy. The best friend told me to not show up for a long time and see what happens then. Hmm, does the 15 days sound long to you? I am planning a visit on tuesday the 8th.

3. Desperate housewives. Damn drama. But I like. Just so that I can drool at Eva Longoria. Yes, I think that I maybe closet lesbian. Oh and that I know my life will never be that drama. Feels good to sit back and enjoy other's when I can. Even if its fictional. Sad, aint it?

4. Some arse is hacking into my msn. I changed my password and secret question. The person who is hacking into my account has got to know me so very well to know the answer to my old secret question. Oh, sounds like I have a stalker. Why doesnt this stalker of mine send me a 6k dress? *refers to Desperate Housewives*

5. Am I scared that I am moving on too soon? I think I owe myself a nice day out. Just shopping. I wonder what I can get for $8.53. A whole lot of lollies maybe? =.=

I guess that that is what's up atm.

For the record, yes I still do think about unmentionable guy. Talked to a guy friend who has acted like my brother these 3 years and he simply replied that I deserve better. Exact words, exact tone as all the other people. But I believed him.

Banana Pancakes by ~Clair3Su3 at deviantart

Banana Pancakes. Yum.

SO.

It has been a few days, no?

Today was the first time I actually talked to friend A about it. She asked and I just said what was needed. No unnecessary information.

I mentioned the million dollar question and she said that he is not a bad a person; in fact, she thinks he is ok. Which says a lot ok coming from her. I guess to some extent I can see where she is coming from. But then, how will we ever really know? Hee.

That said I am tired of being sad. I may not be 100% over it but I am vowing not to be sad anymore.

What friend A said kinda surprised me. She trusts me to make the right decisions. She ended saying to do as I see right. I guess somehow she knows. Friend A also said that I look perfectly fine; not like someone who is going thru something. Haha.

Friend A has her reasons to say what she did today. She knows.

I am going to be back to normal.
I am going to come back with a vengeance. (however you spell that stupid word)
Just you see; I'm going to be back for bigger better things!

Heehee.

End.

It hurts. Oh how it fucking hurts.

All I want to know is;
Was it ever real?
Has it always been a game for you?

I am sorry that it had to end this way.
But I am not sorry that I met you.
And I am not sorry that this happened.

I thought that we had a chance.
I was starting to hope.
I was looking forward to it.

All I wanted was to see you again.
To see that look in your eyes.
But even that, you refused.

I'm tired.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
It was getting too hard.

I'm sorry for still being a kid.
I'm sorry for not wanting to commit at first.
I'm sorry for not being the person you were looking for.

I regret.
For not holding your hand more.
For not wrapping my arms around you more.
For not looking at you more.

I'm sure you are happy now.
You've got what you wanted no?
Finally, you've gotten rid of me.
You can now do whatever you want.
Its great, isn't it?

I miss you.
Oh gawd how I miss you.

I'd never imagined that it would end this way.
Do you actually know how much it hurts?
I am trying so hard not to succumb to my old friend.
My only drug that will help soothe me to sleep.

I've got questions that will never find answers.
I've got memories that will, unwillingly, play on its on.
I've got plans that will never be fulfilled.
I've got words that are yearning to be said out loud.

I guess I was never good enough.

Thank you for everything.

SO.

URGH.

I am tired of my surroundings and people I have to constantly be around.

Why cant they just leave me alone and let me do what I want?

URGHURGHURGH!

I just want to lead my life my way ok.

GO AWAY.

Can I?

Today, I don't feel like eating.
Neither do I feel like talking.
Oh, I don't even feel like leaving.

Today, I just want to go some place distant.
Some place where I can just disappear into deep slumber
Or rather, just disappear.

I don't feel like doing anything productive or useful.
Rather, this whole week.

It feels like a drag.
Waking up, dressing, eating.
Everything feels like a drag.
Shouldn't we be able to roam about naked?
But that will mean I cannot eat courtesy of the flabs.

Today is a day where coffee wont heal;
A good book wont do the trick.
Today is the day *you* will do.
But; as always..

Suddenly taken back to all those nights I wished you were there;
The stench of smoke and alcohol.
The one and only time you were there.

Class starts in another 23 minutes..
I wonder if I should attend..
Because I have not had anything to eat today;
The few times food doesn't have its appeal.

Does this mean I am depressed again?
Or can I just blame it on PMS?

Stories, lies and Deceit?

Its freezing cold and these thoughts are not helping at all.

Remembering eveything vividly; Its scary.
I wonder if I am giving you too much credit or they are giving you way too little credit.
Am I really that dumb?

Confused and unsure myself;
Early last night I've decided..

I wonder really, if its real.
All the body language,
The stares, the feelings.
The heartbeat, the look in your eyes.

You are more than I thought you were.
So much more.
I under estimated you somehow.
Everyone did maybe?

I realised that maybe I took it way too over board somehow..
We both knew, last night was make or break.
You took it up to the next level.

This is it.
I've had enough.

Game Over.

You know..

You are at wits end when..

You are so damn poor that you dont care anymore and decided to go out to spend all the money you have with the excuse;'As long as I am happy'.

URGH.

Its at times like this where I hatehatehate money!!!

T.T

Back to square 1?

Its a widely known fact that I have one very good guy friend who I talk about everything to. When I say everything I mean everything.

It is a known fact that lately I got to know 2 new guys; closer to guy 1 than guy 2 of course.

Yesterday, I ran into a problem; or rather, it has always been a problem I have been agonizing about. I thus turned to guy 1. I wanted a new opinion on this ongoing problem.

The answer he came up with was a very typical guy answer. A fresh one. It somehow made me believe that maybe, friends can still be purely friends without wanting something out of each other. He ended saying that I can always turn to him anytime and that he will always be there no matter what. I was sort of taken aback.

I know that I have friends who will be there no matter what. But to hear it is just so different. I know that I say that words are nothing, but there are times when words do a whole lot of good and I just fall in love with words again.

I have been having problems with a few people I call friends lately. One of them is a super long time friend and it has been a recurring problem and one of them is a new-ish friend. The new-ish friend is fake really and a wannabe. I am only friends with her because of another good friend. Give face la. But right now, I dont want to have anything to do with her. She is disgusting and urgh!!! I cannot believe I actually was nice to her.

Sigh, all these petty problems are really useless. This is why I like being with guy 1. He makes me feel like there is nothing to worry about anymore. My refuge for a while if you want to put it that way. He makes me feel that it doesn't matter for a while.

I know that everyone will have an opinion if they find out but really, if i am happy with him then leave me alone ok? I'll ask if I want your opinion.

I sometimes wish that I was a guy. Friends seems so much simpler.

6th Sense

Here I am in my hideout; where almost everything is not mine.

In my favvy pair of jeans and top..

Skin feeling tight from the fresh shower I came out from.

Thinking, contemplating.

Deciding. Choosing.

Trying to make the right choices.

Waiting for Mika to finish loading from Youtube.

Doing what I do best when I am tired of.. thinking.

Being all happy again without a care in the world.

Receiving news that I really do not need to know;

I started to wonder about my actions.

Knowing that they are no where being right..

Ignoring again.
Ignoring the fact that I actually have decisions to make.
Ignoring reality yet again.

Thinking about the fact that I have not exactly been who I should be.
Wondering about the people all around me.
Who's real and who is fake.

Passing judges that I have no rights passing, somehow.
Missing the times where friends are really friends.
And guys are even better friends.

Here I am sitting; home again.
Thinking back on everything.
Wishing that I can relive it again.

No regrets whatsoever.

Games

I have not been good lately. And I know it. I'm sorry? But it was fun and still is that is.

We hung out yesterday. He told me stuff I can live without knowing. Haha. I was prodding and asking la. But you cant really blame me can you? I was curious; and as they always say curiosity kills the cat. And I think that the cat is now dead. Hmm..

It was kinda OTT if you ask me. But then again.. hmm it was ok I guess.

It got me thinking thou; Is this really all there is to it? Shouldn't there be something more?

And does looks really matter that much? Even the nicest guy I know condemned this girl because she is not as pretty as other girls.
I mean, of course i know that looks matter but for it to matter *that* much, isn't it a bit too much? Its very very unfair.

These both are intertwined of course. Not so pretty guys and girls don't get to play. Not so pretty guys and girls don't get as good opportunities too. But why?!
Blame it on human nature? Is that a good enough excuse?

Its like asking why people have sex before marriage I guess.

One thing I am worried about is;

Will I be able to pull back before things get way too far? Before I lose everything that I hold so dear?

Weekend

The last weekend was one to blog about! Haha.

I'm still suffering (so to speak that is) from the after effects of the weekend!

Hmm.. As much as I claim that I am tired of mind games and unnecessary trouble, its times like this when I go;'Hey! This is not as bad as I thought it was!'

Boy was it an eventful weekend. Sure we had a lot planned but really, the extra drama was icing onto the already perfect cake!

The latter part of Friday was spent playing pool and an impromptu K sesh with random people. Pool was ok as usual. Me and pool really do not go together ok. K was.. interesting to say the least. Jealousy, over-possessiveness, happiness, flirting, body contact, OTT gestures, more flirting, more jealousy, more unhappiness, more happiness, more fenging. Haha. That seriously was it ok. Nope, despite pressure not one drop of alcohol passed my lips! =D

Saturday was spent with the bestie! We went for K! Haha. Gossed and talked too. Gave her the juicy details on what happened. Details which can never be posted here on this blog. Haha! She was surprised? Or maybe, shocked? Haha I dont know. Tell me what you think la bestie! Haha. Saturday night was spent.. oh yes! Hee. Doing something not so good wtf. Haha. Saturday night was the most eventful one ok. I dont regret anything that happened but really it was so damn random. I still do not know how to classify that night!

Sunday was bbq! Where I got this gash on my finger which still hurts like a bitch! It looks so real that it looks fake. Haha. Bbq was alright I guess. Def no my kind of crowd. I went because of the place not the people. And because I needed to get out and calm myself down. And work things out. Hmm.. The cut was huge+deep! You can see the flesh inside and I was bleeding everywhere! All over the wall and the table and tissues! One plaster was soaked with my blood within seconds. It did not hurt the second my finger hit the glass but it hurt like a bitchx1000 when I dripped water on it. Hurted so much that I cried ok. Can you imagine the sting? No you cannot wtf. And that set off even more tears. I am still healing from the gash and still now, you can see the meat inside. Haha. Oh yes! Even more pool and K as well! Haha. K was super unenjoyable because of a stupid annoying guy. I so wanted to slap him! URGH. Oh and! After we got home, I got dragged off to teach people how to dance because they cant wtf. I was so tired ok. And I had to go teach people how to dance. Psh. -_-''

The after effects? Well, testosterone. Desperation and cravings for bodily contact shall speak enough! Haha.

After this weekend and after suffering the after effects of this weekend I have one question;

Is it too greedy of me to want a little bit of both sides of the coin?

Da di da dum!

Da di da di dum!
Da di da di dum!
Da di da di dum!
Da di da di dum!

What takes me all the way up again after spending a few days down in the ruts?
What makes me so hyper and makes me want to run around spreading the love?

Mika yo!

Sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down,
sucking too hard on your lollipop,
or love's gonna get you down!!

Lovelovelove!

*photo credit; Muds-Dark-Goddess of deviantart. Gotta love it!


edit 3.33 pm

Just as soon as I was feeling better; happy, you have to come and take me back to square one again.

You will be the reason for me going back to my superficial comfort.
You will be the reason for my slump again.

You..
Will be the reason I hate this place.

All these years, you have been with me, physically.
But do you know what I have been going thru?
Do you really know?

Do you know what I have been going thru this past week?
Dont give me bullshite about how I dont talk.
You ask yourself why I don't talk.

You act like you care about us..

But we all know that all you care about is you.

I love you, but I cannot take this anymore.

What's up, down and all around.

1. Today I woke up with a very very heavy head. I could barely even lift it off my pillow. I do not know if its because I am falling sick or because of my stiff neck/shoulder muscles from staring at the monitor for too too long. Not to mention the headache I've had from yesterday.

2. Work. Too much work. Too little time. I want my holidays! I am so tired.

3. Weather. The weather has been horrific. Thunderstorms are scary. It even interrupted my tv sesh today. I was actually talking to the weather asking it to calm down a bit so I can finish watching 'Keeping Up with The Kardashian's'. And I missed the finale of 'A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila'! Even thou I went and googled the results on Friday. Hee. But they broke up. Its all publicity for Tila Tequila la. Sigh. Poor Bobby =(

4. I had the weirdest dream this morning. I remember waking up for a bit asking about the time and when no one answered (of course no one did you dumbo) I said to myself that its ok and that it should only be 7-ish cause its still silent outside and to go back to sleep. And the next second I was at the walkway between the bookstore and outside of the bookstore at Imax. And there was mr.S and the gf, Mr.E and someone who is supposed to be his date and me with a guy who has a beige knitted top and was actually quite big, and was supposed to be my date? SO, here I was on a group date with these people I don't even talk to anymore! I remember telling the girl Mr. E was on a date with to stay away from him cause all he wants is sex and that I know (I know that girl on a personal level in the dream; she looks a lot like this girl from my old church thou =s) that she isn't that kind of girl. And I even gave her tips on how to stay away from him. We were then at the music section of the bookstore play hide and seek.

How weird is that?! Good Charlotte's We Believe is playing now -_-

5. Blogger's being difficult, not allowing me to upload a happyflower picture. Just to add color to this ever so sad post. My head is throbbing now. To think that I have to go back doing work as soon as this is published. Boohoohoo.

OK byebye.

Home..

No matter what I've done,
I know I can always come home.
There's no place where I'd rather be than the place that made me, me,
I'm coming home.

Home by Josh Verdes

I've lived in various houses.
But I've got no home.

The place which I thought was home, is now so distant and unfamiliar.
The place in which I grew up in and learnt various early life lessons is no more a safe haven.

I've got no home.
Just various memories and houses to go with it.

Sexy Can I?

I've been super super addicted to this song.
Its been on loop.
YES yes r&b junkie. So super uncool. =p

I am currently removing people from my life. People who has done damage. Left me with tears and anger. People who treats me wrongly and expects me to just 'take it in stride'.

I am nice, the first few times but when it happens more than a few times I hit back, hard. It'll leave you wondering what happened. Don't expect me to do stuff, 'just because'. It maybe because of my position that makes you think that I should but no, it doesn't work that way with me.

There are people who took 2 years and still doesn't know. The lucky ones took only 6 months or less. Too bad, you are the former.

The more you expect me to do stuff the more I don't do it.

You have always had the upper hand. I am now, reclaiming it. Sorry but I have had enough.

If this ends now, this way then so be it.

No regrets.

My love?

I wonder, if there is really 'love' between us..

I am so so so tired of you..
Your refusal to admit that you are wrong when we both know that you are.
You acting like you are way older and wiser when really, I don't think you are.
Your constant 'I am wayyyy above you' thinking which pisses me off so much.

Sure, you know that the do's and dont's of the outside world and what should be said and what should not be said.
Just because I don't act the way I should doesn't mean that I don't know. I may even know more than you do.

You don't know my background and you don't have the slightest idea what I have been thru.
You see me and my so called happy life, you don't see any complications and any past upsets.
You think that life all these while has been easy on me.
You don't know what happened to be able come to this point, where everyone perceived as 'happy'.

Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it is not there.
The only reason why I don't talk about it is because I don't see the point in talking about it to you when you wont understand at all.
You will never understand what I had to go thru all these years.
How my life was constantly on the brink of falling apart, literally.
How I had to always pick myself up and face everyone with a smile on my face.
How I had to lie thru my teeth when asked.

You think its stupid, how I don't talk about 'stuff' with them.
How I deal with it all by myself.
That is how I have always been, dealing with it all by myself.
Which is why, you will never know who I really am.
Yes, I grew up with them and relied on them on so much, on everything in fact.
Everything but mental and emotional support.

I look back on my life and yours.
I look at your current life and mine.
I wonder, what rights have you got to say that I am that much better off?
Do you have solid proof?

You talk as if you know me well;
Yes, you know my taste in clothes and shoes;
But do you really know me?
The story behind my tears?
The lies behind my laughter?
Do you know, the peace and solace I am seeking all along?

If I were to give you a questionnaire about me, the real me;
Can you get 10/10?

You say that I refuse to let people in;
I ask; Is there a point?
When I am surrounded by people like you, people who will never understand.
You, just like everyone else, sees me as the happy bouncy girl who is able to talk to everyone and create a happyhappy atmosphere where everyone is comfy.

Have you ever noticed, how I go silent every time you say certain things?
You think its because you hit the nail on the head..
I say that its because you have no idea..
And you will never know..

You keep trying to pry me open; wanting to know more.
Yes we are close, but not that close.
You are not as f* up as I am and you never will be..
What is the point anyway?
All you can do is pat me on my back and say its ok.
When all I need is not a pat on the back..

I can safely say that I loved the ex-bestie more than I will ever do to you..
I hate how you contradict yourself every second of the day.
How you think that its ok when you do it but its not ok when other people do it.
Who do you think you are?

You think that he is not right.
But do you know how similar we both are.
Our life might differ in so many ways, but when you get to the bottom line, its the same.
He currently gives me what I want.

My 'love',
one day you will realize,
That you were never on the list.
Last count, 2.
But if you dont;
Its either because you are too ignorant,
Or I just happen to play it well..

Only time will tell..

Me xx

Bored?

A thought occurred just now when walking back home from the bus stop.

How boring M's life is.
Everyday, its the same. Work, home. Nothing more, nothing less. Occasional PS2 sesh or anime viewing. Or maybe having a few beers with friends. But that's it. And it has been liks this for at least 3 years.

And how different mine is.
Constantly tired because of lack of sleep, sweaty and smelly from rushing here and there. Stressing because I am stuck or have no time to do what I want when I am not stuck. Its constant stress and occasional tears. But how much more fun it is. The ups and downs are very extreme in my case but at least there are ups and downs. And at least I have something different to do everyday. Who am I to complain when people around me are not much better off and they are not even complaining?

mMmm, I dont know. It was just a random thought that occurred when I just got off the bus; drowsy from falling asleep on the bus.

ANYWAY. I am happy cause I get to go buy new eyeliner cause I lost mine! Teeheehee. I am thinking liquid eye liner; what do you think?

Ok bye.

Questions

I spent the most part of today playing the disappearing act. Just because I do not want to be confronted with questions which I have to come up with neutral answers to. Sometimes, I do prefer for you to keep what you read in my blogs to yourself. Esp when my posts are vague. Its vague for a reason. Don't be ignorant, please.


I have questions. A lot of questions.

What is the point?
Why commit?
How do you show?
How do you know?
When do you know?

They say that you can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.

Someone remind me the point of wanting/having again?

I know that I may not have much money, if any at all but I really believe that being in relationships is not all about gifts and fancy dinners and chocolates and flowers. In fact, I don't fancy gifts at all. Esp from a person I'm in a relationship with. If its only through gifts that he is able to show me that he likes me, then he has a huge huge problem. Yes, I'll admit that receiving gifts are really nice. I am after all still a girl. Coming from the right person, a simple gift can make my whole day or maybe even week. I still find the ultimate satisfaction in spending my own money on something I really like rather than getting someone else to buy me what I like. Its just not the same. In fact, I don't mind paying for dates or even halving it. I am beginning to wonder if I am really that low-maintenance.


I don't know really. How do you know if its right? Is it just a feeling? Or something that has to be confirmed or said? Is the search of perfection really achievable?

What is it about this whole thing that everyone is secretly craving for? Is it for the glamor of saying that you are attached? Or the feeling of being wanted? Or maybe, its the feeling of having company every night?

When two different worlds collide; what do you get? A blood bath or a beautiful mixture of everything?

I personally didn't think that the hole would be this deep. Deep down, I know that its going to be ok.

It has to.

Dreams

I've been getting really really weird dreams lately. So far, I've woken up in the middle of the night scared, startled to the core and ended up crying myself to sleep again and woken up after 4 hours of sleep only!

I recently dreamed about Guy1's ex gf and him. Its scary and freaky because I've never seen her before and in my dream, she had a really nice body. And they were happy. It was like a movie with me in control of playing and pausing it. It felt like I was there with them, they just cant see me.




When I told him about it, he said that it was a stupid dream and all those things he is supposed to say. I cant help but know and feel that there is some more to it. To his comments. I think that not only is he trying to convince me, he is trying to convince himself as well. I mean, I took 6 years and still I am not 100% over it yet. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot lately (the cause of my oh-so-weird dreams, maybe?) and I've been stressing myself out for all the right reasons. Or rather, I'd like to think of it as right reasons! There's so much I want to do, but only so much I am capable of doing. Saying that its my life and I'll lead it my way doesn't work at this age anymore. Its ignorant, stupid and immature. I have got to make my own decisions and I have decision-making-problems. No, flipping the coin is not one of the options, thankyouverymuch.


Yes, I'm jealous. Of people who already know what they want to do. I mean, I've always known, I just really do wonder if I'll be able to take it. The bestie asked; 'If you are doing what you love, earning heaps but your boss is a major jerk. Will you quit?' I said yes. But now, maybe not. If I am really doing something I love and earning heaps from it, I don't think I'll quit. I am a sucker for lifestyles and well, I cannot bear trying to live under a budget after all those years of living without a budget, somehow anyway. If the boss wants to be a jerk, he/she better have enough substance to be one. I absolutely cannot stand people who tries too hard and has no substance. Its sad and pathetic. And apparently, at the industry I am looking at working, experience is just a number. Its not as important anymore. I read an ad recruiting people with a B. Arch and I will apply, if I have a B. Arch. Its disappointing because I have a feeling that the company recruiting if a fairly well known company. They say that one can always work their way up; how do you work your way up when you have nothing in the first place?

More often than not, I put too much pressure on myself. Sometimes, unnecessarily. As bad as it may sound, I wont want to change this habit of mine. I feel extreme disappointment when I fail and I'll actually make myself pay for it. I've always believed that mental torture is the worse kind of torture. What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger; as cliché as it sounds!

Its been 3 months into 08 and well, I still have got a lot to learn and a lot of trial and error. I like taking the road less traveled, which explains my stubbornness. Looking back (yes I know its terribly late but oh well!), I've done some pretty incredible things and some really horrible ones. But I don't regret what I did/happened. None of them. I've fallen down, scraped my knees ever so badly and got up again. I guess, it will never end will it? Unless I do a 180 degree change; which wont happen anytime soon.

Hopefully, this time 'round, I'll be wiser?

Silent

When silence becomes deafening..
She rises from bed and presses that long silver button;
And settles down onto her plastic chair.

Entering the magical word, she enters the other realm.
Where dreams are real and where reality just isn't..

While figuring out what she should eat,
Her music player appears in front of her..
Shuffle; on
Play.

Snuggling much deeper into the chair,
She takes her legs up with her..
While letting all genre's of music fill the room
Flooding her ears..
Silencing the silence..
Because she cant..

Allowing herself to come here,
She fills the screen with incoherent words..
Making spelling mistakes here and there
Because she cant spell.

Losing her train of thought
She don't know what should go next..

Just a girl..
Who loves laying in the park staring at the blue skies..
Obsessed with a certain type of beauty enhancement which she cant get enough of..
Who has found the perfect cut of jeans for her..

Her long not-so-black hair is in need of some maintenance..
Her weight is a constant trouble..
Like a typical girl,
She thinks too much..

Coffee is an on-off addiction..
Smoking is sexy when not done around me..
Dancing is pure bliss..
As she limits it to only those few times..

An aversion to all things fake..
She cant possibly figure out why
Preferring truth over lies
Even thou it may hurt; a lot.

She loves food; eggs and nicely done French toast is a perfect breakfast..
She is looking to try all kinds of food..
But not beating snake hearts or monkey's brain cooked right in front of you..
Not a health freak, she eats what she wants
And smile with happiness later on.
She reckon she has tasted the best bbq pork ever
As well sweet fried cubes of radish,
All artery clogging, disease inducing materials;
She would do much just for another taste.

She named the blog Scribbles
Because its the first word which popped into her mind..
While resting her tired eyes..
The word reminded her of the legendary scribble book..
Where the old best friend and her would write almost everything in there..
From bitching about useless teachers
To stupid classmates..
Random doodles and huge dreams
All written down in the ugly light blue school exercise book..
The location of these special books are a mystery to her..
But its a memory she holds dear to her little heart..

Someone of no importance..
All she wants;
Is a little ground and breathing space..
As well as a someone,
Who wont ask for an explanation,
When she goes asking for a hug
Or a shoulder to lean on..

Off she goes now,
To go stuff herself with food;
And place herself on the huge one seater outside..
While enjoying the idiot box.

Image: Sunlight by yhdenenkelinunelma @ deviantart