Dear Diary

I dont know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I dont know what I should do.

I am confused. I have the control but everything is so out of control.

I got into a fight with the 'sister' today. She shall be called B now. I dont know why does she have to be so rude. So ignorant, so demanding, so up herself, so obsessive, a drama queen. I dont know why she does not see what she has been doing wrong and try and change. I dont know why she is so.. immature. She acts like a 16 year old. I dont know why or how. I'm tired of her. I am tired of her stressing my parents out. She is like.. 23 now? Why is she not thinking? Why is she not changing? Why is she not growing up? Simple things like being polite and nice just some how slips her. I just do not understand why she has to think that every demand of her must be met. And she accuses me for thinking that the world revolves around me. Talking and dealing with her is like dealing with a damn obnoxious 16 year old kid who doesnt know right or wrong and force or being forceful is not the only way to get things done/her way. I am really tired of dealing with her but I cannot just ignore her and let her be. I am just over her.

I'm confused as to where all these rumors are coming from. Boyfriend seducer/stealer, common slut, bitch. All these names. I dont know what I did or not do to deserve having avid rumors being spread around. I usually dont let this bother me at all but tonight it just does. I dont know what I did really. Do I really look that easy? Do I really look like the kind who will play with things that is already others? Thing is, there are no basis of these rumors. Not one bit. It just pop's up like mushrooms after a rain. I dont get it. Where or what was the rain that caused the mushrooms to pop up? I'm so glad I decided to take this term out. I am so glad I am not graduating with them. I'm over this batch of people.

I'm so scared. I am so lost, confused when it comes to M. I dont know how or what I can do to improve the situation. I want so much to be ok again. I really do not know what to do. It just effing sucks to really really like a person and for that person to not give a damn at all.

Everyday, I wake up put on my mask and get busy for the day. I push everything aside and focus on 'living' semi auto-pilot. But all I want is a pair of arms i can fall into and just pour everything out.

Its nights like this when I wonder; How long till I get to find that one person who will be with me at times like this. How long till I get to feel that person around me and know that I am finally not alone. How long till I get to really live life.

Why am I alone on nights like this?

Where are you?