I'm tired.

Emotionally.

Blamed, told off, scolded for things that really is not that big a deal. I'm tired of dealing with it all.
I'm tired of feeling like a effing loser/worthless. YES. I feel worthless. Like I cant do anything right anymore. Everything I do is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Its come to a point where I really refuse to give a damn anymore. I cant be bothered to explain myself anymore cause really what is the point when a few more months down the road its wash, rinse and repeat?

If home is a place I dont look forward to coming back to then I dont know where I can look forward to going. After a nice day, I honestly do not look forward to coming home because I know that all these nice feelings will go away. It always does. Home is where the heart is? I beg to differ.

You may hit me, sting me with words, make me bleed but it doesnt matter anymore. I'm numb inside. The flesh can only hurt so much. I want a place where I can be myself, roam around freely and just chill. But I cant do it here. I can do it no where. Home.. is just a house.

I tried trying to be myself. I tired trying to be nice, happy, at peace. Oh how I tried. But I got tired of forcing myself. I got tired of crying myself to sleep because its exhausting. I got tired.

Physically, yes you've been there. But emotionally, no. I've always been the girl/kid. I was never significant enough for you to pay any attention to. I'm taken for granted. 'Oh, she's the good one. Nothing much to worry about.' I hate that comment. Because of it, I cannot make mistakes. I cannot stuff up. I have to always be perfect. Good, trouble free, effing perfect. AND I AM NOT. Do you know how it feels to know that you are so close to breaking everyone's image of you? For everyone to say 'Oh I'm so disappointed.' Do you know how it feels to always have to be who you are not? Just because I hate disappointment as much as failure. I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that keeps telling me to do this, do that, be this, be that. And I am tired of doing stuff. I want to be myself. At a place I supposedly call home.

This is the reason why I drive the blade in deeper. Why its double digits now. Why one day I'll just disappear. I'll take what's mine and leave.

To be honest, I dont think you'll be able to take me for me. I never was the good kid everyone thought I was. And I dont think I ever will be. They say that a parent's love for their kid is unconditional; i seriously doubt that. I've never felt loved.

I dont know what I am sorry for but I'm sorry.

I'm tired.
Someone please take me home.