Almost Lover

Goodbye my almost lover.
Goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.

2008.
You've not been kind. Oh no. You gave me super high's and lower lows. You pushed me to the edge and back again. You've made me laugh bitterly and cried happily.

What were you trying to do? Push me to my limits and see if i break? Or teaching me lessons that I missed along the way? Either way, thank you! For I am much wiser than I was before.

This year really has been super rough. Not my best year but I made it thru. Something to be proud of =)

In another few hours, I will be out the door.
Having a last family + 1 friend dinner. Oh how I wish!

In another few hours, I will be saying goodbye to you, my almost lover.
With wine in hand.

In another few hours, you will be history and I am starting life all over again.
Much wiser thanks to you my almost lover!

So here's to you, 2008.
You came with a big bang and you're gonna leave with one too!
Here's to all the tears and laughter you brought me.
Here's to all the lessons that you forced unto me.
Here's to pushing me to my limits and back.
Here's to everything that you've done and more.

In another few hours. You are going to be history.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

On to bigger and better stuff!

Much love;
A

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Its time like this when I really do wonder if You are really there.

Nice one, God. Nice one.

You're so funny, its not funny anymore.

Thanks but no thanks.

Isn't it time You gave them a break?

I believe that things happen for a reason.
But what the fuck. I don't see any reason in this.

Great one God.

Now, isn't it time you gave us a break already?
It's really unfair.

So much for being 'fair', God.

This is a big F.U.
Just when I thought that..
I guess I thought too much huh?

But you know what?
I'm not giving up. No, not yet.
I'll show you.

Just you wait God.
Just you wait.

Happy Tears?

I think that I finally know what it feels to like someone so much that it actually hurts.

Its funny? I dont know. Its throbbing; my heart. And suffocating me at the same time. I dont know how to explain.

Are these happy tears?
Or sad ones?

I'm in love with someone who isn't there.
Love?

Love.

I still dont get why its so hard.
I just want to be happy (:

There is really so much I wanna do.
Why?
Because I want to.
What and how?
I dont know.

I never thought that you exist.
I've done enough damage last time.
Please let me redeem myself this time 'round.

I love you.

Procrastination!

After procrastinating for the past 4 years or so, I finally am legal to drive! Damn nervous! But I passed (: All in under 10 mins.

YAY.

I'm another step up to making it in the rat race!

Dear Diary

I dont know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I dont know what I should do.

I am confused. I have the control but everything is so out of control.

I got into a fight with the 'sister' today. She shall be called B now. I dont know why does she have to be so rude. So ignorant, so demanding, so up herself, so obsessive, a drama queen. I dont know why she does not see what she has been doing wrong and try and change. I dont know why she is so.. immature. She acts like a 16 year old. I dont know why or how. I'm tired of her. I am tired of her stressing my parents out. She is like.. 23 now? Why is she not thinking? Why is she not changing? Why is she not growing up? Simple things like being polite and nice just some how slips her. I just do not understand why she has to think that every demand of her must be met. And she accuses me for thinking that the world revolves around me. Talking and dealing with her is like dealing with a damn obnoxious 16 year old kid who doesnt know right or wrong and force or being forceful is not the only way to get things done/her way. I am really tired of dealing with her but I cannot just ignore her and let her be. I am just over her.

I'm confused as to where all these rumors are coming from. Boyfriend seducer/stealer, common slut, bitch. All these names. I dont know what I did or not do to deserve having avid rumors being spread around. I usually dont let this bother me at all but tonight it just does. I dont know what I did really. Do I really look that easy? Do I really look like the kind who will play with things that is already others? Thing is, there are no basis of these rumors. Not one bit. It just pop's up like mushrooms after a rain. I dont get it. Where or what was the rain that caused the mushrooms to pop up? I'm so glad I decided to take this term out. I am so glad I am not graduating with them. I'm over this batch of people.

I'm so scared. I am so lost, confused when it comes to M. I dont know how or what I can do to improve the situation. I want so much to be ok again. I really do not know what to do. It just effing sucks to really really like a person and for that person to not give a damn at all.

Everyday, I wake up put on my mask and get busy for the day. I push everything aside and focus on 'living' semi auto-pilot. But all I want is a pair of arms i can fall into and just pour everything out.

Its nights like this when I wonder; How long till I get to find that one person who will be with me at times like this. How long till I get to feel that person around me and know that I am finally not alone. How long till I get to really live life.

Why am I alone on nights like this?

Where are you?

I'm tired.

Emotionally.

Blamed, told off, scolded for things that really is not that big a deal. I'm tired of dealing with it all.
I'm tired of feeling like a effing loser/worthless. YES. I feel worthless. Like I cant do anything right anymore. Everything I do is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Its come to a point where I really refuse to give a damn anymore. I cant be bothered to explain myself anymore cause really what is the point when a few more months down the road its wash, rinse and repeat?

If home is a place I dont look forward to coming back to then I dont know where I can look forward to going. After a nice day, I honestly do not look forward to coming home because I know that all these nice feelings will go away. It always does. Home is where the heart is? I beg to differ.

You may hit me, sting me with words, make me bleed but it doesnt matter anymore. I'm numb inside. The flesh can only hurt so much. I want a place where I can be myself, roam around freely and just chill. But I cant do it here. I can do it no where. Home.. is just a house.

I tried trying to be myself. I tired trying to be nice, happy, at peace. Oh how I tried. But I got tired of forcing myself. I got tired of crying myself to sleep because its exhausting. I got tired.

Physically, yes you've been there. But emotionally, no. I've always been the girl/kid. I was never significant enough for you to pay any attention to. I'm taken for granted. 'Oh, she's the good one. Nothing much to worry about.' I hate that comment. Because of it, I cannot make mistakes. I cannot stuff up. I have to always be perfect. Good, trouble free, effing perfect. AND I AM NOT. Do you know how it feels to know that you are so close to breaking everyone's image of you? For everyone to say 'Oh I'm so disappointed.' Do you know how it feels to always have to be who you are not? Just because I hate disappointment as much as failure. I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that keeps telling me to do this, do that, be this, be that. And I am tired of doing stuff. I want to be myself. At a place I supposedly call home.

This is the reason why I drive the blade in deeper. Why its double digits now. Why one day I'll just disappear. I'll take what's mine and leave.

To be honest, I dont think you'll be able to take me for me. I never was the good kid everyone thought I was. And I dont think I ever will be. They say that a parent's love for their kid is unconditional; i seriously doubt that. I've never felt loved.

I dont know what I am sorry for but I'm sorry.

I'm tired.
Someone please take me home.

The Unexpected Night Out!

I realized; while stretching a few mins ago; that my back is sore and I have a nice-er tummy definition *pats on the back*

How did I do it?
It did not take much really. Just $5 and about 3-4 hours of mad dancing (:
I'm not too old after all!
After all these months of not dancing I thought I'd lost my mojo and cannot layan sendiri anymore (: Success!

Its was so much fun. Of course I layaned diri for most of the time but I enjoyed just sitting at the side watching people grinding/doing silly but entertaining moves/watching fancy footwork/looking out into the night and just zone out too.

One thing I like about the night was the energy. The people absolutely layaned the dj who did some pretty nice mixes of many songs into one. The slut in me likes making saucy eye contact across the room. Haha.

The scene has changed from the first time thou. Girls these days are really.. out there. Or is it just me? I see random girls going to random guys and immediately starts grinding/dirty dancing. And I even caught a glimpse of a girl really giving it to a guy. And these people throws a fit when bring called easy pft.

I dont dance with random strangers because I dont like being felt up by people I do not know esp when I do not have a good vibe from you (which sadly is about 90% of the room =.=) Girls and guys alike. I like my exclusivity. That said, one wonders where the idea of me being easy comes from eh. Hmm!

The highlight of the night has got to be when I saw the guy I danced with at Skykiwi party as I was leaving. I remember him ever so clearly. And there he was sitting there looking tipsy. First thought was he just got dumped. And I think that I am right. ANYWAY. The so called friend made me go get his number. WTF. And made me text him. But he did not reply. Which is a good thing I guess.

I remember that party very clearly because it was a night of surprises so to speak? I manage lose myself amidst the loud music and crowd; literally. And I let this guy I dont know feel me up. He saved me from a potential rapist thou so its all good. I remember that scene perfectly well. And I remember feeling ever so safe for the first time on the dance floor. Because he is huge. I felt small (for the first time ever) with him (: It was a memorable night for me and my companions. For totally different reasons!

I remember how the so called friend made him stop and made him give me his number (He was egged on by his friends too. Pft friends!) =.= I could almost bury myself beneath the concrete. I did not look at him once! Yes I do get shy too ok I'm not made out of steel =.=

ANYWAY. Yes, I had a real nice night dancing and having some appreciated (and much needed) me time. On the dance floor. With the loud music. Quite a few regular patrons who sees me there often enough knows that I dont like being approached at all so they leave me alone, which is good, but I dont get how all these other guys who sees me layaning diri in the corner wants to know my name. There is a reason why I am in the corner and there is a reason why I have a boundary around me. I think it is really obvious but these people cant read signs. Some came so close to me that I still shudder at the thought. Urgh. Couples who cant make out properly should go get a room and move out of the way.

As much as I layan diri on the dance floor (as well as none of my friends can keep up with me =.=) I still wont go alone. I appreciate the fact that they are there and will pull me out of the way, snap me out of it when I am too 'high'. So thanks!

Indeed, it was a nice night. I have yet to find myself a nice dancing buddy so I can spare my poor friends from being dragged out by me!