I recently dreamed about Guy1's ex gf and him. Its scary and freaky because I've never seen her before and in my dream, she had a really nice body. And they were happy. It was like a movie with me in control of playing and pausing it. It felt like I was there with them, they just cant see me.
When I told him about it, he said that it was a stupid dream and all those things he is supposed to say. I cant help but know and feel that there is some more to it. To his comments. I think that not only is he trying to convince me, he is trying to convince himself as well. I mean, I took 6 years and still I am not 100% over it yet. Ignorance is bliss, sometimes.
I've been thinking a lot lately (the cause of my oh-so-weird dreams, maybe?) and I've been stressing myself out for all the right reasons. Or rather, I'd like to think of it as right reasons! There's so much I want to do, but only so much I am capable of doing. Saying that its my life and I'll lead it my way doesn't work at this age anymore. Its ignorant, stupid and immature. I have got to make my own decisions and I have decision-making-problems. No, flipping the coin is not one of the options, thankyouverymuch.
Yes, I'm jealous. Of people who already know what they want to do. I mean, I've always known, I just really do wonder if I'll be able to take it. The bestie asked; 'If you are doing what you love, earning heaps but your boss is a major jerk. Will you quit?' I said yes. But now, maybe not. If I am really doing something I love and earning heaps from it, I don't think I'll quit. I am a sucker for lifestyles and well, I cannot bear trying to live under a budget after all those years of living without a budget, somehow anyway. If the boss wants to be a jerk, he/she better have enough substance to be one. I absolutely cannot stand people who tries too hard and has no substance. Its sad and pathetic. And apparently, at the industry I am looking at working, experience is just a number. Its not as important anymore. I read an ad recruiting people with a B. Arch and I will apply, if I have a B. Arch. Its disappointing because I have a feeling that the company recruiting if a fairly well known company. They say that one can always work their way up; how do you work your way up when you have nothing in the first place?
More often than not, I put too much pressure on myself. Sometimes, unnecessarily. As bad as it may sound, I wont want to change this habit of mine. I feel extreme disappointment when I fail and I'll actually make myself pay for it. I've always believed that mental torture is the worse kind of torture. What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger; as cliché as it sounds!
Its been 3 months into 08 and well, I still have got a lot to learn and a lot of trial and error. I like taking the road less traveled, which explains my stubbornness. Looking back (yes I know its terribly late but oh well!), I've done some pretty incredible things and some really horrible ones. But I don't regret what I did/happened. None of them. I've fallen down, scraped my knees ever so badly and got up again. I guess, it will never end will it? Unless I do a 180 degree change; which wont happen anytime soon.
Hopefully, this time 'round, I'll be wiser?
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