My love?

I wonder, if there is really 'love' between us..

I am so so so tired of you..
Your refusal to admit that you are wrong when we both know that you are.
You acting like you are way older and wiser when really, I don't think you are.
Your constant 'I am wayyyy above you' thinking which pisses me off so much.

Sure, you know that the do's and dont's of the outside world and what should be said and what should not be said.
Just because I don't act the way I should doesn't mean that I don't know. I may even know more than you do.

You don't know my background and you don't have the slightest idea what I have been thru.
You see me and my so called happy life, you don't see any complications and any past upsets.
You think that life all these while has been easy on me.
You don't know what happened to be able come to this point, where everyone perceived as 'happy'.

Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it is not there.
The only reason why I don't talk about it is because I don't see the point in talking about it to you when you wont understand at all.
You will never understand what I had to go thru all these years.
How my life was constantly on the brink of falling apart, literally.
How I had to always pick myself up and face everyone with a smile on my face.
How I had to lie thru my teeth when asked.

You think its stupid, how I don't talk about 'stuff' with them.
How I deal with it all by myself.
That is how I have always been, dealing with it all by myself.
Which is why, you will never know who I really am.
Yes, I grew up with them and relied on them on so much, on everything in fact.
Everything but mental and emotional support.

I look back on my life and yours.
I look at your current life and mine.
I wonder, what rights have you got to say that I am that much better off?
Do you have solid proof?

You talk as if you know me well;
Yes, you know my taste in clothes and shoes;
But do you really know me?
The story behind my tears?
The lies behind my laughter?
Do you know, the peace and solace I am seeking all along?

If I were to give you a questionnaire about me, the real me;
Can you get 10/10?

You say that I refuse to let people in;
I ask; Is there a point?
When I am surrounded by people like you, people who will never understand.
You, just like everyone else, sees me as the happy bouncy girl who is able to talk to everyone and create a happyhappy atmosphere where everyone is comfy.

Have you ever noticed, how I go silent every time you say certain things?
You think its because you hit the nail on the head..
I say that its because you have no idea..
And you will never know..

You keep trying to pry me open; wanting to know more.
Yes we are close, but not that close.
You are not as f* up as I am and you never will be..
What is the point anyway?
All you can do is pat me on my back and say its ok.
When all I need is not a pat on the back..

I can safely say that I loved the ex-bestie more than I will ever do to you..
I hate how you contradict yourself every second of the day.
How you think that its ok when you do it but its not ok when other people do it.
Who do you think you are?

You think that he is not right.
But do you know how similar we both are.
Our life might differ in so many ways, but when you get to the bottom line, its the same.
He currently gives me what I want.

My 'love',
one day you will realize,
That you were never on the list.
Last count, 2.
But if you dont;
Its either because you are too ignorant,
Or I just happen to play it well..

Only time will tell..

Me xx