Almost Lover

Goodbye my almost lover.
Goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.

2008.
You've not been kind. Oh no. You gave me super high's and lower lows. You pushed me to the edge and back again. You've made me laugh bitterly and cried happily.

What were you trying to do? Push me to my limits and see if i break? Or teaching me lessons that I missed along the way? Either way, thank you! For I am much wiser than I was before.

This year really has been super rough. Not my best year but I made it thru. Something to be proud of =)

In another few hours, I will be out the door.
Having a last family + 1 friend dinner. Oh how I wish!

In another few hours, I will be saying goodbye to you, my almost lover.
With wine in hand.

In another few hours, you will be history and I am starting life all over again.
Much wiser thanks to you my almost lover!

So here's to you, 2008.
You came with a big bang and you're gonna leave with one too!
Here's to all the tears and laughter you brought me.
Here's to all the lessons that you forced unto me.
Here's to pushing me to my limits and back.
Here's to everything that you've done and more.

In another few hours. You are going to be history.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

On to bigger and better stuff!

Much love;
A

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Its time like this when I really do wonder if You are really there.

Nice one, God. Nice one.

You're so funny, its not funny anymore.

Thanks but no thanks.

Isn't it time You gave them a break?

I believe that things happen for a reason.
But what the fuck. I don't see any reason in this.

Great one God.

Now, isn't it time you gave us a break already?
It's really unfair.

So much for being 'fair', God.

This is a big F.U.
Just when I thought that..
I guess I thought too much huh?

But you know what?
I'm not giving up. No, not yet.
I'll show you.

Just you wait God.
Just you wait.

Happy Tears?

I think that I finally know what it feels to like someone so much that it actually hurts.

Its funny? I dont know. Its throbbing; my heart. And suffocating me at the same time. I dont know how to explain.

Are these happy tears?
Or sad ones?

I'm in love with someone who isn't there.
Love?

Love.

I still dont get why its so hard.
I just want to be happy (:

There is really so much I wanna do.
Why?
Because I want to.
What and how?
I dont know.

I never thought that you exist.
I've done enough damage last time.
Please let me redeem myself this time 'round.

I love you.

Procrastination!

After procrastinating for the past 4 years or so, I finally am legal to drive! Damn nervous! But I passed (: All in under 10 mins.

YAY.

I'm another step up to making it in the rat race!

Dear Diary

I dont know what I am doing. I am so lost right now. I dont know what I should do.

I am confused. I have the control but everything is so out of control.

I got into a fight with the 'sister' today. She shall be called B now. I dont know why does she have to be so rude. So ignorant, so demanding, so up herself, so obsessive, a drama queen. I dont know why she does not see what she has been doing wrong and try and change. I dont know why she is so.. immature. She acts like a 16 year old. I dont know why or how. I'm tired of her. I am tired of her stressing my parents out. She is like.. 23 now? Why is she not thinking? Why is she not changing? Why is she not growing up? Simple things like being polite and nice just some how slips her. I just do not understand why she has to think that every demand of her must be met. And she accuses me for thinking that the world revolves around me. Talking and dealing with her is like dealing with a damn obnoxious 16 year old kid who doesnt know right or wrong and force or being forceful is not the only way to get things done/her way. I am really tired of dealing with her but I cannot just ignore her and let her be. I am just over her.

I'm confused as to where all these rumors are coming from. Boyfriend seducer/stealer, common slut, bitch. All these names. I dont know what I did or not do to deserve having avid rumors being spread around. I usually dont let this bother me at all but tonight it just does. I dont know what I did really. Do I really look that easy? Do I really look like the kind who will play with things that is already others? Thing is, there are no basis of these rumors. Not one bit. It just pop's up like mushrooms after a rain. I dont get it. Where or what was the rain that caused the mushrooms to pop up? I'm so glad I decided to take this term out. I am so glad I am not graduating with them. I'm over this batch of people.

I'm so scared. I am so lost, confused when it comes to M. I dont know how or what I can do to improve the situation. I want so much to be ok again. I really do not know what to do. It just effing sucks to really really like a person and for that person to not give a damn at all.

Everyday, I wake up put on my mask and get busy for the day. I push everything aside and focus on 'living' semi auto-pilot. But all I want is a pair of arms i can fall into and just pour everything out.

Its nights like this when I wonder; How long till I get to find that one person who will be with me at times like this. How long till I get to feel that person around me and know that I am finally not alone. How long till I get to really live life.

Why am I alone on nights like this?

Where are you?

I'm tired.

Emotionally.

Blamed, told off, scolded for things that really is not that big a deal. I'm tired of dealing with it all.
I'm tired of feeling like a effing loser/worthless. YES. I feel worthless. Like I cant do anything right anymore. Everything I do is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Its come to a point where I really refuse to give a damn anymore. I cant be bothered to explain myself anymore cause really what is the point when a few more months down the road its wash, rinse and repeat?

If home is a place I dont look forward to coming back to then I dont know where I can look forward to going. After a nice day, I honestly do not look forward to coming home because I know that all these nice feelings will go away. It always does. Home is where the heart is? I beg to differ.

You may hit me, sting me with words, make me bleed but it doesnt matter anymore. I'm numb inside. The flesh can only hurt so much. I want a place where I can be myself, roam around freely and just chill. But I cant do it here. I can do it no where. Home.. is just a house.

I tried trying to be myself. I tired trying to be nice, happy, at peace. Oh how I tried. But I got tired of forcing myself. I got tired of crying myself to sleep because its exhausting. I got tired.

Physically, yes you've been there. But emotionally, no. I've always been the girl/kid. I was never significant enough for you to pay any attention to. I'm taken for granted. 'Oh, she's the good one. Nothing much to worry about.' I hate that comment. Because of it, I cannot make mistakes. I cannot stuff up. I have to always be perfect. Good, trouble free, effing perfect. AND I AM NOT. Do you know how it feels to know that you are so close to breaking everyone's image of you? For everyone to say 'Oh I'm so disappointed.' Do you know how it feels to always have to be who you are not? Just because I hate disappointment as much as failure. I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that keeps telling me to do this, do that, be this, be that. And I am tired of doing stuff. I want to be myself. At a place I supposedly call home.

This is the reason why I drive the blade in deeper. Why its double digits now. Why one day I'll just disappear. I'll take what's mine and leave.

To be honest, I dont think you'll be able to take me for me. I never was the good kid everyone thought I was. And I dont think I ever will be. They say that a parent's love for their kid is unconditional; i seriously doubt that. I've never felt loved.

I dont know what I am sorry for but I'm sorry.

I'm tired.
Someone please take me home.

The Unexpected Night Out!

I realized; while stretching a few mins ago; that my back is sore and I have a nice-er tummy definition *pats on the back*

How did I do it?
It did not take much really. Just $5 and about 3-4 hours of mad dancing (:
I'm not too old after all!
After all these months of not dancing I thought I'd lost my mojo and cannot layan sendiri anymore (: Success!

Its was so much fun. Of course I layaned diri for most of the time but I enjoyed just sitting at the side watching people grinding/doing silly but entertaining moves/watching fancy footwork/looking out into the night and just zone out too.

One thing I like about the night was the energy. The people absolutely layaned the dj who did some pretty nice mixes of many songs into one. The slut in me likes making saucy eye contact across the room. Haha.

The scene has changed from the first time thou. Girls these days are really.. out there. Or is it just me? I see random girls going to random guys and immediately starts grinding/dirty dancing. And I even caught a glimpse of a girl really giving it to a guy. And these people throws a fit when bring called easy pft.

I dont dance with random strangers because I dont like being felt up by people I do not know esp when I do not have a good vibe from you (which sadly is about 90% of the room =.=) Girls and guys alike. I like my exclusivity. That said, one wonders where the idea of me being easy comes from eh. Hmm!

The highlight of the night has got to be when I saw the guy I danced with at Skykiwi party as I was leaving. I remember him ever so clearly. And there he was sitting there looking tipsy. First thought was he just got dumped. And I think that I am right. ANYWAY. The so called friend made me go get his number. WTF. And made me text him. But he did not reply. Which is a good thing I guess.

I remember that party very clearly because it was a night of surprises so to speak? I manage lose myself amidst the loud music and crowd; literally. And I let this guy I dont know feel me up. He saved me from a potential rapist thou so its all good. I remember that scene perfectly well. And I remember feeling ever so safe for the first time on the dance floor. Because he is huge. I felt small (for the first time ever) with him (: It was a memorable night for me and my companions. For totally different reasons!

I remember how the so called friend made him stop and made him give me his number (He was egged on by his friends too. Pft friends!) =.= I could almost bury myself beneath the concrete. I did not look at him once! Yes I do get shy too ok I'm not made out of steel =.=

ANYWAY. Yes, I had a real nice night dancing and having some appreciated (and much needed) me time. On the dance floor. With the loud music. Quite a few regular patrons who sees me there often enough knows that I dont like being approached at all so they leave me alone, which is good, but I dont get how all these other guys who sees me layaning diri in the corner wants to know my name. There is a reason why I am in the corner and there is a reason why I have a boundary around me. I think it is really obvious but these people cant read signs. Some came so close to me that I still shudder at the thought. Urgh. Couples who cant make out properly should go get a room and move out of the way.

As much as I layan diri on the dance floor (as well as none of my friends can keep up with me =.=) I still wont go alone. I appreciate the fact that they are there and will pull me out of the way, snap me out of it when I am too 'high'. So thanks!

Indeed, it was a nice night. I have yet to find myself a nice dancing buddy so I can spare my poor friends from being dragged out by me!

Talks

Today, I found out something that I should not know.

Something that is troubling me quite a bit.
I needed to talk.
I went thru all the different people in my head and could not find the right person.
No one I can talk to about this issue at hand.

I wanted to cry but instead I laughed.
Because the best candidate that I could think of;
The right person I can talk to about this;
Is the only person I should not even think about needless to say contact.

I really do not know what else I can do.
Regarding this issue, person.

Where's the damn off button when I need it?

[Edit 5.28 pm]

I need to learn to be less inquisitive and manage some less clicking.
I really do not know how long this will last.
The crack is getting bigger.

This is for all the times you were the cause of tears and pain.
This is for all the times you were not there when I needed you.
This is for all the times you made me cry.
This is for the hugs, kisses and cuddles that meant nothing to you.

Mahal Kita

I remember exactly when, where and how he said it to me.
I don't remember what we were wearing but I remember the look in his eyes very very clearly.

These tears are not because of the pain I feel inside.
Its because of what was lost.
And because of the courage that I may never be able to find.

Please don't hate me because I am weak.

I keep telling myself; 'Mind over matter dear. Mind over matter.'
There is so much my mind can do.
There is so much I would love to achieve.

Please don't hate me because I've failed.

New clothes, new make up, new phone, new books.
New routine to life, new plans, new.. me?
I've been so busy trying to change so much around me thinking that this part will change as well.
But late at night, when I'm all alone, when I am tired out from the day,
There is only one wish.
The one I mutter silently when its 11:11 pm, to the brightest star in the sky, to God at times.

I keep telling myself, once, just once; you'll feel so much better.
He chucked them away when he found them.
I keep telling the other side of me no; I must not. Its the only thing I can do now.
But I'm scared that I cant hold off much longer.
Its very tempting but I am going to try to hold off for as long as possible.
That's a promise.
One that you wont know about.

'It takes grown ups to make relationships work.'
One more chance '07

I've changed.
Have you?

Hello?

My last entry was on the 15th of May? Fwah. It has been a long time.
Here's to updating the future me on my life now.

1. I spent 480 on a phone I don't want to use. I have been putting off getting my sim card and such because well, I kinda like not having a phone and being un-contactable. It feels like I am disconnected from everyone. Its fun. But I know its only a matter of time before I am attached to this phone. Gah.

2. Have been rotting at home for 2 weeks now. Not being out in the world is my expertise. It feels too good to leave home. That and my crush on that certain coffeeguy. The best friend told me to not show up for a long time and see what happens then. Hmm, does the 15 days sound long to you? I am planning a visit on tuesday the 8th.

3. Desperate housewives. Damn drama. But I like. Just so that I can drool at Eva Longoria. Yes, I think that I maybe closet lesbian. Oh and that I know my life will never be that drama. Feels good to sit back and enjoy other's when I can. Even if its fictional. Sad, aint it?

4. Some arse is hacking into my msn. I changed my password and secret question. The person who is hacking into my account has got to know me so very well to know the answer to my old secret question. Oh, sounds like I have a stalker. Why doesnt this stalker of mine send me a 6k dress? *refers to Desperate Housewives*

5. Am I scared that I am moving on too soon? I think I owe myself a nice day out. Just shopping. I wonder what I can get for $8.53. A whole lot of lollies maybe? =.=

I guess that that is what's up atm.

For the record, yes I still do think about unmentionable guy. Talked to a guy friend who has acted like my brother these 3 years and he simply replied that I deserve better. Exact words, exact tone as all the other people. But I believed him.

Banana Pancakes by ~Clair3Su3 at deviantart

Banana Pancakes. Yum.

SO.

It has been a few days, no?

Today was the first time I actually talked to friend A about it. She asked and I just said what was needed. No unnecessary information.

I mentioned the million dollar question and she said that he is not a bad a person; in fact, she thinks he is ok. Which says a lot ok coming from her. I guess to some extent I can see where she is coming from. But then, how will we ever really know? Hee.

That said I am tired of being sad. I may not be 100% over it but I am vowing not to be sad anymore.

What friend A said kinda surprised me. She trusts me to make the right decisions. She ended saying to do as I see right. I guess somehow she knows. Friend A also said that I look perfectly fine; not like someone who is going thru something. Haha.

Friend A has her reasons to say what she did today. She knows.

I am going to be back to normal.
I am going to come back with a vengeance. (however you spell that stupid word)
Just you see; I'm going to be back for bigger better things!

Heehee.

End.

It hurts. Oh how it fucking hurts.

All I want to know is;
Was it ever real?
Has it always been a game for you?

I am sorry that it had to end this way.
But I am not sorry that I met you.
And I am not sorry that this happened.

I thought that we had a chance.
I was starting to hope.
I was looking forward to it.

All I wanted was to see you again.
To see that look in your eyes.
But even that, you refused.

I'm tired.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
It was getting too hard.

I'm sorry for still being a kid.
I'm sorry for not wanting to commit at first.
I'm sorry for not being the person you were looking for.

I regret.
For not holding your hand more.
For not wrapping my arms around you more.
For not looking at you more.

I'm sure you are happy now.
You've got what you wanted no?
Finally, you've gotten rid of me.
You can now do whatever you want.
Its great, isn't it?

I miss you.
Oh gawd how I miss you.

I'd never imagined that it would end this way.
Do you actually know how much it hurts?
I am trying so hard not to succumb to my old friend.
My only drug that will help soothe me to sleep.

I've got questions that will never find answers.
I've got memories that will, unwillingly, play on its on.
I've got plans that will never be fulfilled.
I've got words that are yearning to be said out loud.

I guess I was never good enough.

Thank you for everything.

SO.

URGH.

I am tired of my surroundings and people I have to constantly be around.

Why cant they just leave me alone and let me do what I want?

URGHURGHURGH!

I just want to lead my life my way ok.

GO AWAY.

Can I?

Today, I don't feel like eating.
Neither do I feel like talking.
Oh, I don't even feel like leaving.

Today, I just want to go some place distant.
Some place where I can just disappear into deep slumber
Or rather, just disappear.

I don't feel like doing anything productive or useful.
Rather, this whole week.

It feels like a drag.
Waking up, dressing, eating.
Everything feels like a drag.
Shouldn't we be able to roam about naked?
But that will mean I cannot eat courtesy of the flabs.

Today is a day where coffee wont heal;
A good book wont do the trick.
Today is the day *you* will do.
But; as always..

Suddenly taken back to all those nights I wished you were there;
The stench of smoke and alcohol.
The one and only time you were there.

Class starts in another 23 minutes..
I wonder if I should attend..
Because I have not had anything to eat today;
The few times food doesn't have its appeal.

Does this mean I am depressed again?
Or can I just blame it on PMS?

Stories, lies and Deceit?

Its freezing cold and these thoughts are not helping at all.

Remembering eveything vividly; Its scary.
I wonder if I am giving you too much credit or they are giving you way too little credit.
Am I really that dumb?

Confused and unsure myself;
Early last night I've decided..

I wonder really, if its real.
All the body language,
The stares, the feelings.
The heartbeat, the look in your eyes.

You are more than I thought you were.
So much more.
I under estimated you somehow.
Everyone did maybe?

I realised that maybe I took it way too over board somehow..
We both knew, last night was make or break.
You took it up to the next level.

This is it.
I've had enough.

Game Over.

You know..

You are at wits end when..

You are so damn poor that you dont care anymore and decided to go out to spend all the money you have with the excuse;'As long as I am happy'.

URGH.

Its at times like this where I hatehatehate money!!!

T.T

Back to square 1?

Its a widely known fact that I have one very good guy friend who I talk about everything to. When I say everything I mean everything.

It is a known fact that lately I got to know 2 new guys; closer to guy 1 than guy 2 of course.

Yesterday, I ran into a problem; or rather, it has always been a problem I have been agonizing about. I thus turned to guy 1. I wanted a new opinion on this ongoing problem.

The answer he came up with was a very typical guy answer. A fresh one. It somehow made me believe that maybe, friends can still be purely friends without wanting something out of each other. He ended saying that I can always turn to him anytime and that he will always be there no matter what. I was sort of taken aback.

I know that I have friends who will be there no matter what. But to hear it is just so different. I know that I say that words are nothing, but there are times when words do a whole lot of good and I just fall in love with words again.

I have been having problems with a few people I call friends lately. One of them is a super long time friend and it has been a recurring problem and one of them is a new-ish friend. The new-ish friend is fake really and a wannabe. I am only friends with her because of another good friend. Give face la. But right now, I dont want to have anything to do with her. She is disgusting and urgh!!! I cannot believe I actually was nice to her.

Sigh, all these petty problems are really useless. This is why I like being with guy 1. He makes me feel like there is nothing to worry about anymore. My refuge for a while if you want to put it that way. He makes me feel that it doesn't matter for a while.

I know that everyone will have an opinion if they find out but really, if i am happy with him then leave me alone ok? I'll ask if I want your opinion.

I sometimes wish that I was a guy. Friends seems so much simpler.

6th Sense

Here I am in my hideout; where almost everything is not mine.

In my favvy pair of jeans and top..

Skin feeling tight from the fresh shower I came out from.

Thinking, contemplating.

Deciding. Choosing.

Trying to make the right choices.

Waiting for Mika to finish loading from Youtube.

Doing what I do best when I am tired of.. thinking.

Being all happy again without a care in the world.

Receiving news that I really do not need to know;

I started to wonder about my actions.

Knowing that they are no where being right..

Ignoring again.
Ignoring the fact that I actually have decisions to make.
Ignoring reality yet again.

Thinking about the fact that I have not exactly been who I should be.
Wondering about the people all around me.
Who's real and who is fake.

Passing judges that I have no rights passing, somehow.
Missing the times where friends are really friends.
And guys are even better friends.

Here I am sitting; home again.
Thinking back on everything.
Wishing that I can relive it again.

No regrets whatsoever.

Games

I have not been good lately. And I know it. I'm sorry? But it was fun and still is that is.

We hung out yesterday. He told me stuff I can live without knowing. Haha. I was prodding and asking la. But you cant really blame me can you? I was curious; and as they always say curiosity kills the cat. And I think that the cat is now dead. Hmm..

It was kinda OTT if you ask me. But then again.. hmm it was ok I guess.

It got me thinking thou; Is this really all there is to it? Shouldn't there be something more?

And does looks really matter that much? Even the nicest guy I know condemned this girl because she is not as pretty as other girls.
I mean, of course i know that looks matter but for it to matter *that* much, isn't it a bit too much? Its very very unfair.

These both are intertwined of course. Not so pretty guys and girls don't get to play. Not so pretty guys and girls don't get as good opportunities too. But why?!
Blame it on human nature? Is that a good enough excuse?

Its like asking why people have sex before marriage I guess.

One thing I am worried about is;

Will I be able to pull back before things get way too far? Before I lose everything that I hold so dear?

Weekend

The last weekend was one to blog about! Haha.

I'm still suffering (so to speak that is) from the after effects of the weekend!

Hmm.. As much as I claim that I am tired of mind games and unnecessary trouble, its times like this when I go;'Hey! This is not as bad as I thought it was!'

Boy was it an eventful weekend. Sure we had a lot planned but really, the extra drama was icing onto the already perfect cake!

The latter part of Friday was spent playing pool and an impromptu K sesh with random people. Pool was ok as usual. Me and pool really do not go together ok. K was.. interesting to say the least. Jealousy, over-possessiveness, happiness, flirting, body contact, OTT gestures, more flirting, more jealousy, more unhappiness, more happiness, more fenging. Haha. That seriously was it ok. Nope, despite pressure not one drop of alcohol passed my lips! =D

Saturday was spent with the bestie! We went for K! Haha. Gossed and talked too. Gave her the juicy details on what happened. Details which can never be posted here on this blog. Haha! She was surprised? Or maybe, shocked? Haha I dont know. Tell me what you think la bestie! Haha. Saturday night was spent.. oh yes! Hee. Doing something not so good wtf. Haha. Saturday night was the most eventful one ok. I dont regret anything that happened but really it was so damn random. I still do not know how to classify that night!

Sunday was bbq! Where I got this gash on my finger which still hurts like a bitch! It looks so real that it looks fake. Haha. Bbq was alright I guess. Def no my kind of crowd. I went because of the place not the people. And because I needed to get out and calm myself down. And work things out. Hmm.. The cut was huge+deep! You can see the flesh inside and I was bleeding everywhere! All over the wall and the table and tissues! One plaster was soaked with my blood within seconds. It did not hurt the second my finger hit the glass but it hurt like a bitchx1000 when I dripped water on it. Hurted so much that I cried ok. Can you imagine the sting? No you cannot wtf. And that set off even more tears. I am still healing from the gash and still now, you can see the meat inside. Haha. Oh yes! Even more pool and K as well! Haha. K was super unenjoyable because of a stupid annoying guy. I so wanted to slap him! URGH. Oh and! After we got home, I got dragged off to teach people how to dance because they cant wtf. I was so tired ok. And I had to go teach people how to dance. Psh. -_-''

The after effects? Well, testosterone. Desperation and cravings for bodily contact shall speak enough! Haha.

After this weekend and after suffering the after effects of this weekend I have one question;

Is it too greedy of me to want a little bit of both sides of the coin?