Talks

Today, I found out something that I should not know.

Something that is troubling me quite a bit.
I needed to talk.
I went thru all the different people in my head and could not find the right person.
No one I can talk to about this issue at hand.

I wanted to cry but instead I laughed.
Because the best candidate that I could think of;
The right person I can talk to about this;
Is the only person I should not even think about needless to say contact.

I really do not know what else I can do.
Regarding this issue, person.

Where's the damn off button when I need it?

[Edit 5.28 pm]

I need to learn to be less inquisitive and manage some less clicking.
I really do not know how long this will last.
The crack is getting bigger.

This is for all the times you were the cause of tears and pain.
This is for all the times you were not there when I needed you.
This is for all the times you made me cry.
This is for the hugs, kisses and cuddles that meant nothing to you.

Mahal Kita

I remember exactly when, where and how he said it to me.
I don't remember what we were wearing but I remember the look in his eyes very very clearly.

These tears are not because of the pain I feel inside.
Its because of what was lost.
And because of the courage that I may never be able to find.

Please don't hate me because I am weak.

I keep telling myself; 'Mind over matter dear. Mind over matter.'
There is so much my mind can do.
There is so much I would love to achieve.

Please don't hate me because I've failed.

New clothes, new make up, new phone, new books.
New routine to life, new plans, new.. me?
I've been so busy trying to change so much around me thinking that this part will change as well.
But late at night, when I'm all alone, when I am tired out from the day,
There is only one wish.
The one I mutter silently when its 11:11 pm, to the brightest star in the sky, to God at times.

I keep telling myself, once, just once; you'll feel so much better.
He chucked them away when he found them.
I keep telling the other side of me no; I must not. Its the only thing I can do now.
But I'm scared that I cant hold off much longer.
Its very tempting but I am going to try to hold off for as long as possible.
That's a promise.
One that you wont know about.

'It takes grown ups to make relationships work.'
One more chance '07

I've changed.
Have you?

Hello?

My last entry was on the 15th of May? Fwah. It has been a long time.
Here's to updating the future me on my life now.

1. I spent 480 on a phone I don't want to use. I have been putting off getting my sim card and such because well, I kinda like not having a phone and being un-contactable. It feels like I am disconnected from everyone. Its fun. But I know its only a matter of time before I am attached to this phone. Gah.

2. Have been rotting at home for 2 weeks now. Not being out in the world is my expertise. It feels too good to leave home. That and my crush on that certain coffeeguy. The best friend told me to not show up for a long time and see what happens then. Hmm, does the 15 days sound long to you? I am planning a visit on tuesday the 8th.

3. Desperate housewives. Damn drama. But I like. Just so that I can drool at Eva Longoria. Yes, I think that I maybe closet lesbian. Oh and that I know my life will never be that drama. Feels good to sit back and enjoy other's when I can. Even if its fictional. Sad, aint it?

4. Some arse is hacking into my msn. I changed my password and secret question. The person who is hacking into my account has got to know me so very well to know the answer to my old secret question. Oh, sounds like I have a stalker. Why doesnt this stalker of mine send me a 6k dress? *refers to Desperate Housewives*

5. Am I scared that I am moving on too soon? I think I owe myself a nice day out. Just shopping. I wonder what I can get for $8.53. A whole lot of lollies maybe? =.=

I guess that that is what's up atm.

For the record, yes I still do think about unmentionable guy. Talked to a guy friend who has acted like my brother these 3 years and he simply replied that I deserve better. Exact words, exact tone as all the other people. But I believed him.

Banana Pancakes by ~Clair3Su3 at deviantart

Banana Pancakes. Yum.

SO.

It has been a few days, no?

Today was the first time I actually talked to friend A about it. She asked and I just said what was needed. No unnecessary information.

I mentioned the million dollar question and she said that he is not a bad a person; in fact, she thinks he is ok. Which says a lot ok coming from her. I guess to some extent I can see where she is coming from. But then, how will we ever really know? Hee.

That said I am tired of being sad. I may not be 100% over it but I am vowing not to be sad anymore.

What friend A said kinda surprised me. She trusts me to make the right decisions. She ended saying to do as I see right. I guess somehow she knows. Friend A also said that I look perfectly fine; not like someone who is going thru something. Haha.

Friend A has her reasons to say what she did today. She knows.

I am going to be back to normal.
I am going to come back with a vengeance. (however you spell that stupid word)
Just you see; I'm going to be back for bigger better things!

Heehee.

End.

It hurts. Oh how it fucking hurts.

All I want to know is;
Was it ever real?
Has it always been a game for you?

I am sorry that it had to end this way.
But I am not sorry that I met you.
And I am not sorry that this happened.

I thought that we had a chance.
I was starting to hope.
I was looking forward to it.

All I wanted was to see you again.
To see that look in your eyes.
But even that, you refused.

I'm tired.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
It was getting too hard.

I'm sorry for still being a kid.
I'm sorry for not wanting to commit at first.
I'm sorry for not being the person you were looking for.

I regret.
For not holding your hand more.
For not wrapping my arms around you more.
For not looking at you more.

I'm sure you are happy now.
You've got what you wanted no?
Finally, you've gotten rid of me.
You can now do whatever you want.
Its great, isn't it?

I miss you.
Oh gawd how I miss you.

I'd never imagined that it would end this way.
Do you actually know how much it hurts?
I am trying so hard not to succumb to my old friend.
My only drug that will help soothe me to sleep.

I've got questions that will never find answers.
I've got memories that will, unwillingly, play on its on.
I've got plans that will never be fulfilled.
I've got words that are yearning to be said out loud.

I guess I was never good enough.

Thank you for everything.

SO.

URGH.

I am tired of my surroundings and people I have to constantly be around.

Why cant they just leave me alone and let me do what I want?

URGHURGHURGH!

I just want to lead my life my way ok.

GO AWAY.

Can I?

Today, I don't feel like eating.
Neither do I feel like talking.
Oh, I don't even feel like leaving.

Today, I just want to go some place distant.
Some place where I can just disappear into deep slumber
Or rather, just disappear.

I don't feel like doing anything productive or useful.
Rather, this whole week.

It feels like a drag.
Waking up, dressing, eating.
Everything feels like a drag.
Shouldn't we be able to roam about naked?
But that will mean I cannot eat courtesy of the flabs.

Today is a day where coffee wont heal;
A good book wont do the trick.
Today is the day *you* will do.
But; as always..

Suddenly taken back to all those nights I wished you were there;
The stench of smoke and alcohol.
The one and only time you were there.

Class starts in another 23 minutes..
I wonder if I should attend..
Because I have not had anything to eat today;
The few times food doesn't have its appeal.

Does this mean I am depressed again?
Or can I just blame it on PMS?