SO.

It has been a few days, no?

Today was the first time I actually talked to friend A about it. She asked and I just said what was needed. No unnecessary information.

I mentioned the million dollar question and she said that he is not a bad a person; in fact, she thinks he is ok. Which says a lot ok coming from her. I guess to some extent I can see where she is coming from. But then, how will we ever really know? Hee.

That said I am tired of being sad. I may not be 100% over it but I am vowing not to be sad anymore.

What friend A said kinda surprised me. She trusts me to make the right decisions. She ended saying to do as I see right. I guess somehow she knows. Friend A also said that I look perfectly fine; not like someone who is going thru something. Haha.

Friend A has her reasons to say what she did today. She knows.

I am going to be back to normal.
I am going to come back with a vengeance. (however you spell that stupid word)
Just you see; I'm going to be back for bigger better things!

Heehee.

End.

It hurts. Oh how it fucking hurts.

All I want to know is;
Was it ever real?
Has it always been a game for you?

I am sorry that it had to end this way.
But I am not sorry that I met you.
And I am not sorry that this happened.

I thought that we had a chance.
I was starting to hope.
I was looking forward to it.

All I wanted was to see you again.
To see that look in your eyes.
But even that, you refused.

I'm tired.
I gave up.
I couldn't take it anymore.
It was getting too hard.

I'm sorry for still being a kid.
I'm sorry for not wanting to commit at first.
I'm sorry for not being the person you were looking for.

I regret.
For not holding your hand more.
For not wrapping my arms around you more.
For not looking at you more.

I'm sure you are happy now.
You've got what you wanted no?
Finally, you've gotten rid of me.
You can now do whatever you want.
Its great, isn't it?

I miss you.
Oh gawd how I miss you.

I'd never imagined that it would end this way.
Do you actually know how much it hurts?
I am trying so hard not to succumb to my old friend.
My only drug that will help soothe me to sleep.

I've got questions that will never find answers.
I've got memories that will, unwillingly, play on its on.
I've got plans that will never be fulfilled.
I've got words that are yearning to be said out loud.

I guess I was never good enough.

Thank you for everything.

SO.

URGH.

I am tired of my surroundings and people I have to constantly be around.

Why cant they just leave me alone and let me do what I want?

URGHURGHURGH!

I just want to lead my life my way ok.

GO AWAY.

Can I?

Today, I don't feel like eating.
Neither do I feel like talking.
Oh, I don't even feel like leaving.

Today, I just want to go some place distant.
Some place where I can just disappear into deep slumber
Or rather, just disappear.

I don't feel like doing anything productive or useful.
Rather, this whole week.

It feels like a drag.
Waking up, dressing, eating.
Everything feels like a drag.
Shouldn't we be able to roam about naked?
But that will mean I cannot eat courtesy of the flabs.

Today is a day where coffee wont heal;
A good book wont do the trick.
Today is the day *you* will do.
But; as always..

Suddenly taken back to all those nights I wished you were there;
The stench of smoke and alcohol.
The one and only time you were there.

Class starts in another 23 minutes..
I wonder if I should attend..
Because I have not had anything to eat today;
The few times food doesn't have its appeal.

Does this mean I am depressed again?
Or can I just blame it on PMS?

Stories, lies and Deceit?

Its freezing cold and these thoughts are not helping at all.

Remembering eveything vividly; Its scary.
I wonder if I am giving you too much credit or they are giving you way too little credit.
Am I really that dumb?

Confused and unsure myself;
Early last night I've decided..

I wonder really, if its real.
All the body language,
The stares, the feelings.
The heartbeat, the look in your eyes.

You are more than I thought you were.
So much more.
I under estimated you somehow.
Everyone did maybe?

I realised that maybe I took it way too over board somehow..
We both knew, last night was make or break.
You took it up to the next level.

This is it.
I've had enough.

Game Over.

You know..

You are at wits end when..

You are so damn poor that you dont care anymore and decided to go out to spend all the money you have with the excuse;'As long as I am happy'.

URGH.

Its at times like this where I hatehatehate money!!!

T.T

Back to square 1?

Its a widely known fact that I have one very good guy friend who I talk about everything to. When I say everything I mean everything.

It is a known fact that lately I got to know 2 new guys; closer to guy 1 than guy 2 of course.

Yesterday, I ran into a problem; or rather, it has always been a problem I have been agonizing about. I thus turned to guy 1. I wanted a new opinion on this ongoing problem.

The answer he came up with was a very typical guy answer. A fresh one. It somehow made me believe that maybe, friends can still be purely friends without wanting something out of each other. He ended saying that I can always turn to him anytime and that he will always be there no matter what. I was sort of taken aback.

I know that I have friends who will be there no matter what. But to hear it is just so different. I know that I say that words are nothing, but there are times when words do a whole lot of good and I just fall in love with words again.

I have been having problems with a few people I call friends lately. One of them is a super long time friend and it has been a recurring problem and one of them is a new-ish friend. The new-ish friend is fake really and a wannabe. I am only friends with her because of another good friend. Give face la. But right now, I dont want to have anything to do with her. She is disgusting and urgh!!! I cannot believe I actually was nice to her.

Sigh, all these petty problems are really useless. This is why I like being with guy 1. He makes me feel like there is nothing to worry about anymore. My refuge for a while if you want to put it that way. He makes me feel that it doesn't matter for a while.

I know that everyone will have an opinion if they find out but really, if i am happy with him then leave me alone ok? I'll ask if I want your opinion.

I sometimes wish that I was a guy. Friends seems so much simpler.